In Spring 2009, I walked into the classroom to give my 100-level final, and I immediately noticed a drawing on the whiteboard.  As I walked toward the board in the front of the room, I absorbed the image- it was a cartoon drawing of a Middle Eastern/Islamic terrorist, with a full beard, turban and a lit bomb in one hand.  To the side of the image were the words “Draw Muhammad Day 5/26.” 

(this is not the image but a crude replica from a blog site)

I put my stack of exams down, turned to the board, and vigorously erased the image.  I turned to the class and asked, the fury building- “Did someone in this class draw this image?” 

Many students looked at each other hesitantly, unwilling to be the one to confess, and after a moment or two, several responded that “yes” someone in the class had drawn the image. 

I was appalled.  I stated that drawing such an image was an act of racism, and that after studying social inequality all semester – in particular racial stereotypes and race inequality – I was really disappointed that someone in this class could have done such a thing, particularly on the day of the final, when there was no opportunity to discuss the stereotype or the act of drawing it.  I said that if I knew who did it, I would fail them immediately. 

Given that many students were anxious and ready to take the exam, however, I did not pursue this course of action and instead passed out the exam and the class settled into silence.

After the exam, one of my best students, MB, came up to me to discuss the incident in person, and he later emailed me several links that explained the origin of “Draw Muhammad Day.”  He argued that “Draw Muhammad Day” on 5/26 was a response to the assassination of Theo Van Gogh by Islamic terrorists, and that it was a free speech issue.  I agreed that exercising free speech was acceptable, but that the context in which the image was drawn – on the white board, at the beginning of the final exam, a day when no discussion could occur – effectively eliminated the opportunity for “free speech.”  I pointed out that students of middle-eastern descent were intimidated and silenced by the image (indeed, at least two students emailed me to say they felt offended by the act).  I explained that to see how it was racist, all you had to do was substitute one stereotype for another (i.e. draw a “Wetback” or “Gangsta”)….  In the course of this discussion, it was abundantly clear that MB was the one who drew the image, and that he did not understand how it was an act of racism.

In thinking about this event post facto, I find myself sinking into despair.  If one of my best students – someone who participated fully and made an A in the class and was a junior in college – could do such a thing, what does that say about my teaching ability?!!  What does it say about the caliber of student I am working with?  Does it matter that this student was not a Sociology major?  Does it matter that he was white and male?  It doesn’t help that I received several anonymous emails from students in that class identifying the culprit, complaining of intimidation and detailing how MB erased the first image he drew, only to draw it again, much larger!  I find myself at a loss- what do I do with such an encounter?  Use it as a teaching tool?  Let it slide into forgotten encounters with racist and ignorant people?  How is it possible to be empowered as an educator in such situations?

Queer on Campus II

What exactly is meant by the term "queer"?

The following is an extended definition of the term, taken from http://www.arr-the-kraken.com/straight/gay-or-queer.php

Queer is a controversial word, literally meaning unusual, but used for people whose sexual orientation and/or gender identity differ from the norm: a unifying umbrella term for people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual, and/or intersex. In this usage, it is usually a synonym of such terms as LGBT or lesbigay. More people identify as gay or lesbian than as queer. Queer is a much more political term and is often used by those who are politically active; by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities; by those who reject sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight; by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture; and/or by heterosexuals whose sexual preferences make them a minority (for example, BDSM practitioners). Another term used in similar ways is PoMosexual. Many people, however, identify primarily as Queer rather than gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered or intersex. Some feel that other labels do not adequately describe their sexual identity and preferences. Some queer people identify as such because they feel it empowers them to be themselves on a level that goes beyond the rigid limitations of the traditional polarized interpretation of sexual orientation (either homosexual or heterosexual, or bisexual in the middle) and gender identity (male or female). For these people, being queer means discarding such labels and their expectations and embracing the idea that their sexual identity or practices is simply different from others' in one or more ways. Historically, the term queer was an epithet for gay men, bordering on profanity. Since the term originated, and in many circumstances persists, as a homophobic slur, and because another common meaning of the word is "strange," many members of sexual minorities do not favor its use.


--- I identify as queer because I dont' believe the labels for 'lesbian' or 'bisexual' adequately describe who I am. I came to understand myself as queer via "coming out" as a lesbian, and in the process being rejected by the "lesbian community" because I was too feminine and could "pass" for heterosexual because I wore skirts, had long hair, was considered attractive by both men and women (but I did not wear make-up!). I recall in the early days of being a lesbian, I would volunteer to speak for panels or conferences about being a lesbian (at the time I was in relationships exclusively with women, one of which was 13 years long), and would be accused by other lesbians on the panel/conference of not being "butch" or "lesbian" or "political" enough. I found the politically correct attitude of most lesbians at the time (1990's) to be incredibly restrictive and prejudiced against anyone who did not fit the 'norm'. Ironically, these politically correct lesbians were enacting the same kind of discrimination and prejudice against me and my 'lipstick lesbian friends' as mainstream society was enacting against them/lesbians and gays in general! So in the face of being rejected by the mainstream 'lesbian and gay community' (which by the way, does NOT exist! There is no unified gay-les-bi-queer-trans 'community'), I decided to come out, AGAIN, as queer. Of course, no one knows how to respond to this information. Usually I just say I am 'bi', but if the person is intelligent and I feel like getting a bit more personal, I explain that I am 'queer', and give them a bit more information about what that means.




Yep, we're pretty much everywhere...

Being Queer (Faculty) on Campus

Being Queer* (Faculty) on Campus

Long Beach 2009 LGBTQ Pride

*I use the term "queer" to resist putting  a label on what has been for me a lifetime of fluid, non-binary sexual identity(s) and relationship orientation(s).  See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer

The Thursday after Prop 8 was passed, one of my students, call her Sami, asked to meet with me in my office hours or after class.  I knew right away what was up.  Sami had been actively campaigning on (and off) campus against Prop 8, and she is also in my Intro to Sociology class.  She sits up front with her friend Tina, who was also campaigning against prop 8 (on election day Tina wore a statue of liberty costume to class!).    Needless to say, in a class of 190 students, these two made an impression on me right away, given their activism, intelligence and general interest in sociology.  Sami was r e a l l y upset about Prop 8 passing, and so we met after my last class and talked for an hour about politics, and similarities in our background (she’s from North Carolina; she just came out and is in her first relationship with a girl).  For me, talking about myself and ‘coming out’ to Sami about being queer presented a dilemma.  Not that I don’t have the words or ability to talk about it; the issue is that I don’t tend to disclose personal details about myself to undergraduate students as I prefer to be more of a cipher.  I like to make them wonder about me re: my sexual orientation, ethnicity, age, etc. … but Sami is different because she is the first openly out and political lesbian student I have ever had in my classroom.  She and Teri are theater majors so that explains part of their outgoing nature… but she also believes fervently in her cause, to the point where Sami made a mini-presentation in front of the entire class (190 students!) about how Prop 8 would “take away her wedding day”.

For me, it was so incredible to see this kind of activism happen in my class because I recall being an undergrad about 15 years ago and the climate on campus was not nearly as les-bi-gay friendly.  As an undergraduate, like Sami and Teri, I made it my cause to fight homophobia on campus and was part of many speaker’s panels about being les-bi-gay on campus.  But I had very few professors who were willing to do that or be “out” in the classroom (even though EVERYONE knew that they were lesbian, they were not willing to admit it in the classroom). 

Today, as a professor, I understand MUCH better why these profs chose not to wear their sexual orientation on their sleeve… I did my time as an activist in the LGBTQ community in my early 20’s (this was in the 1990’s), and today, I am at the point where I don’t believe that it’s always necessary to be an ‘activist’ and ‘come out’ and maintain a visible queer identity on campus or in society (and in fact I DON’T have a visible queer identity on campus).  I maintain this position DESPITE the normative pressure for all queer faculty to be “out” (i.e.to post a “safe zone” sticker so queer students can identify you on your office door, to go to certain LGBTQ events on campus, etc.) in a dept with three “out” profs (and two “out” lecturers).

Me w/other CSULB faculty at 2009 Long Beach LGBTQ Pride

For me, it really is less a matter of making it a point to “make the personal political 24/7” and to always ‘present’ as a queer person and educate society, than it is about being inclusive in the way that I teach and relate to other people.  That is to say, when I lecture in class (or converse in general) about topics such as family socialization, gender, the life course, etc. , I am always inclusive of same-sex relationships.  In other words, when I talk in class about ‘getting married’ and having families (I teach a lot about socialization, the family, gender and the life course), I am ALWAYS inclusive of same sex relationships.  I mean shit, I was in one for 13 years and it always pissed me off when my profs were heterosexist when they taught about families, life course, etc. and always used a male-female paradigm.  Instead, I state that “all humans tend to pair-bond with other humans; some of us do it with people of the opposite sex, and others of the same sex, either way, the research shows that we ALL fight over sex, paying the bills/money, and who has to take out the trash!!” 

Because of my “inclusiveness” in the classroom, Sami and Teri were immediately curious about my sexual orientation.  I know this because they happen to have a colleague of mine as a dorm residence advisor… and through that grapevine, I heard that the girls are curious… my colleague (who is one of the three out queer faculty members in my Dept) told them they should just ask me directly, she was keeping mum.  So in our post-election de-briefing, Sami and I have the “conversation”, where I ask her about her coming out process and I disclose my own “queerness”.  By this time in my life and career it’s not a big deal to have that conversation, especially one on one, but as I said, I am taking a leap w/Sami because she is really the first undergrad who I have gotten close to and feel like a true mentor toward (god help me, mentoring students can be such a time sink and sooooo stressful!  But ALWAYS in the end, incredibly rewarding).   It’s funny, she is nervous though, just talking to me, a professor that she admires and considers a mentor.  I am touched by the way I am able, just by being honest about myself, to be a role model for her, and mentor her on the path to adulthood and becoming an intelligent and active member of society – and she is already WELL along that path, such an activist already, she gives me a lot to be proud of in a mentee!!

In some ways I am gradually relaxing about my self-identity and presentation in the context of my professional life.  After almost six years in this job (gee, I guess they must like me if they haven’t fired me) I am finally feeling able to talk (or joke) a bit about my sexual orientation and my life(style) with certain colleagues and students that I consider friends.   

Myself w/CSULB colleagues and students at 2009 LBC Pride Parade

Tenure or not? That is the question.

September 26, 2011.  One week left before my tenure file is due in the Department (10/4 is the deadline).  I have five (5) binders, yep, count em:

The first one is a summary file that indexes all my 'accomplishments' in teaching, research and service.  It contains a 'professional data sheet', narrative (20 pages) that explains the significance of all my work in the three areas, and a cv.  The other four binders are all the supporting documents... teaching materials, publications and papers, reports and letters, etc, etc.  Not to belittle or demean the process, but it is one of the biggest intellectual 'navel-gazing' projects I have ever undertaken!  The time and effort it takes to produce the documents and organize the binders almost equals the time it takes to do the teaching, research and service!  

Despite the paper-chasing, the process - which has been a bit rocky for me (topic of another blog) - has been ultimately deeply rewarding.  Regardless of the result, I am proud.  That said, I am r e a l l y hoping for tenure with promotion. 

The department gives me their decision in the third week of November (actually the Monday of Thanksgiving week); I have to wait until June of 2012 for the final decision from the Provost but it is rare that the department’s decision is over-ridden by the Provost or College-levels. 

I have been working on this ‘file’ for the past 6 years- in addition to actually DOING all the teaching, research and service, I have to DOCUMENT it and REFLECT on it and WRITE IT UP in three different ways (a ‘narrative’, a Personal Data Sheet’ and a C.V.) and provide all the supplemental materials (hence the 5 binders).  The time it takes to organize and generate all the documents required for the file is CONSIDERABLE.  Luckily, all tenure track faculty go through either a mini or retention review every year until you go up for tenure so I have been working on that thing for a regular basis for a l o n g time and if I do say so myself that file is very tightly organized. 

October 4, 2011

Today, I finally delivered my tenure file to the department – it is OFF my desk.  Wow.  I am giddy with happiness and relief that it’s done, yet at the same time there is a feeling of emptiness, both mental and physical (my apartment looks so…. Empty w/o all those binders and the mess!)

Even though I have a love-hate relationship with my job and am conflicted about staying in public education until retirement, the significance of tenure is major in so many ways for this profession.  Personally, I am fairly confident I will get tenure w/promotion but due to department politics (which are very thick and subject for another blog) I wouldn’t be shocked if I got tenure w/o promotion.  That would be like saying ‘we need you but we don’t like or want you’ ….

Many think that the tenure system promotes laziness among academics, but in my experience it is quite the opposite.  Those that are motivated enough to actually get tenure, continue to work the usual 50-60 hours a week (yes, numerous studies indicate profs work that many hours weekly) after they get tenure 99.9% of the time. 

Personally, I am anxious for the job security so I can make decisions about the direction of my research and teaching and service without worrying what the Chair of my department will think- I think I will be able to accomplish more and focus on projects that are a bit less conventional for my field. 

Also, to be perfectly honest, I have been planning my ‘exit strategy’ from academia and Southern California…. In June 2012 I am planning on taking 12-15 months leave-of-absence from the job for (mental) ‘health reasons’. 

What is my ‘mental health’ issue?  From the beginning I have had a conflicted relationship with my job as an assistant professor at CSULB.  I remember during my first week of my first semester in 2005, leaving my large section of Soc 100 (with 100+) students, and thinking if I had to do this for the rest of my career I would shoot myself!  Not to sound ungrateful - I am very thankful I have a secure job with great benefits and a flexible schedule; I know I am extremely fortunate.  However, the nature of the job borders on exploitation given the amount and kind of labor required, the departmental/academic politics involved, and the lack of resources (the CSU system budget was cut $500 mill in 2010, another $500 mill in 2011 and 2012 it will be $650 mill).  Also, have professional and personal reasons for wanting to be in Mexico and/or Canada. 

I spent the first two years (2005-06 & 2006-07) at CSULB focused on leaving the University (and the US), applying for academic and applied jobs and research grants in Mexico and Canada.  My third year I got a Fulbright grant to do research in Canada and Mexico (2007-08) (and I applied for more jobs in Mexico and Canada), but I came back to Long Beach in 2008-09.  My fourth year was tough, I was still looking for work but the economy was tanking and jobs were drying up.  At the end of 2009, the CA budget crisis precipitated furloughs for CSU employees in year 5 (2009-10).  The furlough-crisis was the ‘last straw’ and helped me finally re-center my life on something else besides work, namely Baptiste Yoga (and yoga in general) and having a social life. Despite my frustration with the nature of my job and the economy/budget situation my perspective shifted.  I began to focus on the parts of my job I liked and avoid/minimize the politics and bureaucracy, etc.  By the 6^th(2010-11) year I began to tell myself that I would go up for tenure and then take a year personal leave if I still was this dissatisfied…. And so here I am, at the beginning of my 7th year and still feeling ambivalent. 

Honestly, whether I take a leave or not depends in no small part on the response of the department Tenure committee (and Dean and Provost) to my tenure file, of which, despite my ambivalence about being at CSULB, I am very proud as I have worked extremely hard to be a good colleague and ‘scholar-teacher’.   Also, as I consider ‘life after tenure’, I am beginning to realize that I will have a lot more autonomy and ‘voice’ in my profession.  To say the least, I will finally be able to say what I think at faculty meetings without fear of being denied tenure ;-)